Sunday, November 1, 2009

Enjoying things

I keep wanting to call them addictions and I'm not sure why I keep coming back to it. Addiction just sounds so negative- I suupose it's something to do with the face that our world really seems to frown upon allowing anything other than your own free will influence your behavior. I guess they really aren't addictions, because addictions carry some level of guilt, and I'm not going to feel guilty about really really liking some of the simple- and not so simple- things that make daily life so pleasurable. Because isn't that the ultimate goal? Finding pleasure in every day? What better life goal than to enjoy it?

Some seem to be permanent parts of my personality, some a little more fleeting. I wonder if any of them mean anything at all. In no particular order...

-Beauty products, specifically shower-related ones
-Pizza Goldfish
-my Ipod and updating it
-Professional Bull Riding. Or not professional bull riding. Really, any situation where strong men are riding bulls. Or broncs.
-looking at pictures. Bonus if they are of my family, double bonus if they are of Kaija. I will look at wedding pictures regardless of if I know the person or not.
-Food Network
-Su Doku
-fun size candy bars
-clean sheets
-snuggle time
-reading in bed/on the couch/front porch
-The Office
-Boondock Saints
-talking to new people
-listening to my grandfather's stories
-talking to anyone from my grandfather's generation
-smiles from anyone under the age of 6
-hugs from anyone of any age. Bonus points if that person is small enough for me to pick up. Double bonus points if they try to kiss me after the hug. Triple bonus points if they're in my family, small enough for me to pick up, and try to kiss me after the hug.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Clicking in circles

How's this for a habit?

Log on. Gmail. Training update? Got it. Check that blog. She grows so fast. Is it July yet?

Facebook. Click names, click pictures.

Craiglist. Too much. Too scummy. No laundry? Bad area. One person? Two people? Who knows. Time is running out make a decision now. This one could work, too late it's gone.

Alarm clock, fall asleep. Up again. Must. Go. Running. Shoes on, playlist- check.

Shower, tea, drive, work. Sigh.

Hey I missed you! Small talk, grow so fast, weather, plans. Sing, play, laugh, hooray!

Work work. Forgot something? Panic! Hi, good to see you! New haircut? Sing, flip, laugh, play.

Where is she? Just deal with it. Phone calls, diet coke!

Everyone's busy, no time for pity.

You can talk to us when you have something nice to say. No one likes a frown clown.

Something needs to change I think it's me. Where to start? Not too sure. Frustrated? Heck yes I am.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Absolutely no question

With lots of major changes happening in my life and all around me, I find myself grateful for the absolutes in my life. Those things that I'm pretty sure, no matter how topsy turvy things get, will remain unshake-ably certain.

For example, it does not matter how many times I "clean out" my treasures, how many times I discard the mementos and talismans and crap of my childhood. There will always be more. I will always keep birthday, Christmas, and Thank You cards in a box under my bed. I will save every wedding invitation I ever receive. (I mean the time and money that goes into those thing...) Somewhere, some time in my life, that person, that card, that thought meant something to me. I could be cynical and say that I hold on to these reminders in fear that I will never feel those things again. But I'd rather take the view that my overly sentimental self has such a deep appreciation for these things that it feels callous to simply toss them in the trash within 2-5 years of the date received.

I will always have days where I long for my mother and my family the way you long for perfect sunny 72 degree May when cold bleary February has you pulling on that winter coat as you wait for your car to warm up again.
I will always enjoy the crunchy satisfaction of pocorn, cold red grapes, and miniature chocolate chip cookies. It will most likely always be a problem too.
I will always have moments where I would rather be in Colorado, serving lunch, making beds, or watering flowers on the ranch than anywhere else in the world. It will always serve as my happy place when I need a mental escape to remind myself that there was a time in my life when I went somewhere brand new, totally fun, and loved every minute of my day.

Of course there have been some "pretty absolutes" in my life up to this point, that I wouldn't mind changing over time. I have never liked being alone at night. I don't need someone in bed with me, I just need to know that someone else is in the house. Preferably someone human. I do not like being alone in a house/apartment/condo alone at night. Still.

It would be great to not absolutely always come up with seven "trivial but much more interesting things to do" before I ever get to my actual "to do" list.

I'd say it be great to not absolutely have to work, but that is a whole other animal.

I guess all we can do is be grateful for and try to hold on to the abosolutely good things in our lives. Let the ones that matter know how much you care. Take a minute to smile and say thank you for a sunny beautiful day. Or rainy day, if it's what you enjoy.

Then, once we've appreciated the good things, we do our absolute best to improve the other aspects of our lives. It may take prayer, it may take years, it may take a lot of popcorn. But I'm thinking, that pretty much anything is abosolutely possible.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Holding it together

"So you're holding it together with duct tape. I take it things are a bit rough right now."

No, literally, my bumper is attached to my car with duct tape. It's not a metaphor for the state of my life, it's a description of the state of my car.

There are times when we are hanging by a thread, making it by the skin of our teeth, or just barely gettin by.

Where would we be without duct tape? Sure, it isn't pretty. Yes, it's a quick fix. Some may call it common or tacky. But when your bumper is dragging on the ground at 10 pm on a Saturday night and you are 17 miles from where you need to be, that $4 roll of adhesive cure-all is a mighty nice thing to have.

Things like bumpers, windows, furniture, lucky we are that we have a quick fix like duct tape readily available to us to hold them together. Our relationships, our sanity, our lives cannot be held together so easily. There is nothing we can buy (and certainly not from Wal Mart) to ensure we keep it together through the rough patches. No sticky bandage to cover a hurting heart until we feel strong enough to face the day, no roll of courage to help us make it through the loss of someone we love. What do we use to patch up our lives when that pink slip arrives, someone needs surgery, and we no longer know the face in the mirror?

I think it's faith. Faith that this too shall pass, faith that life is bigger than this situation, this moment. Faith that somewhere inside of each one of us there is a spirit and a unique individual who will do something to get through this and still be able to laugh. Faith is no quick thing-it must be cultivated and developed in order to be strong enough to sustain us in times of need.

Thank goodness for friends. How else would we find silly situations to laugh at after crying for days? What adventure exists that is not made better by having someone else to share the experience? Browsing a bookstore, watching a sunset, raking leaves...all the better to make memories. The jokes, the memories from these times are the things I cherish the most. These are the things we look to when we need reminding of what is good in life. These are the things that restore our faith in our purpose, our great fortune to be on this earth. That faith, those people, those moments- those are the adhesive that help us hold it all together.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

New Year, New Addictions

We're all familiar with the fantastic tradition of New Year's resolutions- ridding ourselves of damaging behaviors and situations. Optimistically declaring our intentions to become better people, to change the way we've been doing things, informing everyone of our dissatisfaction with the current state of something in our lives. Resolutions- whether they last into Spring or come down with the Christmas lights- have a funny way of bringing new things into our lives. In our quest to become better, fitter, more interesting, more satisfied, more productive, we seek out new people. New focuses. New routines.

My current New Year's addictions include a fantastic faux fur blanket that is the next best thing to having my actual dog curled up in bed with me. It is silky soft and wonderfully heavy. I feel warm and cocooned beneath it, and I find myself looking forward to the time of day when I can be home, nestled in that blanket.

My preoccupation with this blanket began immediately after returning from Christmas and New Year's with my family. It isn't hard to draw the metaphor- back to the routine of my chilly little house and long hours at work, she sought the warm familiar embrace of her family... Too obvious and melodramatic.
What I really love about the blanket is the luxurious quality it lends to my bed, the comfort it brings when I childishly imagine it is in fact Madison curled up at my feet. Sparkling 72-degree weather weekend such as this one remind me that Spring is on it's way. Maybe not this week, maybe not next week, but it will come. We will turn off the heat, put the jackets away, and switch to plain cotton sheets at night. When Spring comes, maybe I'll stop craving the warmth of my blanket. Maybe.

So now my only question is, will I ever be able to sleep without this fantastic humidifier I've grown so attached to this past week?