This past weekend, I ran my first half marathon. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful place. It was a challenge for which I had trained and prepared. I was excited, I was nervous, and I did it. I didn't come in first (I came in 13 minutes before the first full marathoner finished.) There wasn't a whole lot of noise or acknowledgement as I crossed the finish line. (I was about the 900th person to do so that day. I think the crowd was kind of used to it.) But I ran. I ran 13.1 miles up some intense hills (yes, there was some hill-walking involved). I ran without injury or stomach irritation (something I was very concerned about) and I enjoyed it. The one thing that bothered me, something I hadn't even really considered, was the moments after the race when there was no one there to celebrate with.
I entered the race with a friend- she was behind me in the pack. Another good friend came with us, to act as taxi-driver/emergency ambulance pick up. We were in the same city, within a 1 1/2 mile radius of one another. But there was no one there waiting to give me a hug. There was no familiar face smiling at me, no one who knew me to pat me on the back and say "Good job."
I didn't know I would need that recognition, that validation so badly. I didn't even realize until I spoke to my mother on the phone about 20 minutes after finishing. As soon as I heard her voice, tears started streaming down my cheeks. I had just achieved a major accomplishment- something on my life list of things to do, and I wanted someone who loved me to share it with me. It wasn't a vanity thing, I suddenly realized how important it is to me to share the important moments with people you love. It's an amazing thing to have someone who knows you and what you've gone through stand beside you as you accept the award, make the move, cross the finish line. Can you imagine giving birth alone? Nine months of excitement, planning, talking. All the worrying, speculating, anticipation, and then there is no one there to experience the power of bringing another life into the world?
I can't say the moment lost its meaning or its power. I was there. I did it. I felt the sense of accomplishment. I also felt like something was missing...something like a hug. There is something to be said for having someone by your side for the big moments. Someone to hold your hand, see your tears, mirror your smile. And really, it isn't even just the big stuff. Yes, the weddings, the funerals, Christmases, birthdays... sometimes the little stuff really is the big stuff. Sitting outside at dusk on the first warm night of spring. Taking a new car for its first road trip. An impromptu weekend with friends you haven't seen in a while. A crazy rainstorm that lasts for days. Running a local road race. We all have little moments. That's the stuff that life is made of. Everyone's moments are different, so while they may not be significant enough to write down on the calendar, they are important enough to remember who you shared them with.
When we look at our friends, our family, the people we love, I think that's what counts. Knowing there are people who love you, who you love, who care, and will share in those moments with you. They will bear witness to the moments- big and small- that make up your life. Hopefully they will appreciate the importance of those moments at the time.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I get to live my life
I got a much-needed perspective check from an article in my running magazine the other day. The author talked about a shift in her mindset from all the things she "has" to do to all the things she "gets" to do. Instead of "having" to wake up, run, shower, go to work, pay bills, and make dinner, I "get" to do all of these things. I got to wake up today- to a thunderstorm, no less. I love laying in bed listening to the rain. It is by far one of the coziest, most soothing activities in life. I got to go for a run this morning. The sweet thunderstorm that greeted me at 5:45 am was nothing but puddles by 7 am when I stepped out my front door. The blessed pollen was rinsed from the cars, the greenest leaves were dripping, clouds were drawn aside to reveal a beautiful pink and blue morning sky. The humidity hinted at the heat of the day yet to come (97 in April?!)
I got to shower and eat breakfast (As someone who has lost hot water in the past month, I can appreciate this.) I got to go to work, strategize ways to improve our business, teach classes to some wonderful babies and preschoolers. I got to talk to the parents who make our business work.
I got to get some of the sun I've been so happy to see while I waited on the front steps for maintenance to let me in when I managed to forget my house key inside the apartment.
There are people who are laid up in a hospital, unemployed, sick, depressed, imprisoned, impoverished, dead- who are unable to do any of these things. They don't get to go to work and earn a paycheck each week. They aren't able to pay the bills that house and feed them. Their bodies are damaged and they aren't able to take a single step unassisted, much less run 3 miles.
I am so grateful for this attitude adjustment because it emphasizes one of the things I most want for my life: gratitude. Recognition of the many blessings I enjoy. Letting what I have be enough. Acknowledging my strengths and limitations and learning to be satisfied. To finish each day and be done with it, knowing that I gave everything I could and left it in a positive light.
I got to shower and eat breakfast (As someone who has lost hot water in the past month, I can appreciate this.) I got to go to work, strategize ways to improve our business, teach classes to some wonderful babies and preschoolers. I got to talk to the parents who make our business work.
I got to get some of the sun I've been so happy to see while I waited on the front steps for maintenance to let me in when I managed to forget my house key inside the apartment.
There are people who are laid up in a hospital, unemployed, sick, depressed, imprisoned, impoverished, dead- who are unable to do any of these things. They don't get to go to work and earn a paycheck each week. They aren't able to pay the bills that house and feed them. Their bodies are damaged and they aren't able to take a single step unassisted, much less run 3 miles.
I am so grateful for this attitude adjustment because it emphasizes one of the things I most want for my life: gratitude. Recognition of the many blessings I enjoy. Letting what I have be enough. Acknowledging my strengths and limitations and learning to be satisfied. To finish each day and be done with it, knowing that I gave everything I could and left it in a positive light.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunshine Love
I swear I'm not a hippie...
Warm weather, sunshine. Flowering trees, blooming flowers. Leaving the house with no coat, wearing shoes without socks. Longer days. Evening walks. The promise of summer. Someone to enjoy a sunset with. Bright blue sky, fluffy white clouds, and little yellow flowers scattered around the apartment.
Spring reminds me how quickly time moves- Christmas really was a long time ago. It has been almost a full year since last Summer. Things that were once far off are happening in a matter of weeks. People have moved in and out of my life, I have accomplished goals I set out to achieve and moved absolutely no closer to others. I can't say it really bothers me, because Spring brings such a glorious amount of hope and excitement with it, it's hard to feel anything but happy.
Yogis are sun worshippers- they salute the sun during their practice, thanking it for all the goodness and light it brings to the earth. It isn't a hard concept to understand. Whether watching the sun rise and shoot its first rays out on the world in the early morning, or lifting my face towards its sweet light in the early afternoon, I am intensely grateful to live in a place where the sun is shining on new, green life.
Warm weather, sunshine. Flowering trees, blooming flowers. Leaving the house with no coat, wearing shoes without socks. Longer days. Evening walks. The promise of summer. Someone to enjoy a sunset with. Bright blue sky, fluffy white clouds, and little yellow flowers scattered around the apartment.
Spring reminds me how quickly time moves- Christmas really was a long time ago. It has been almost a full year since last Summer. Things that were once far off are happening in a matter of weeks. People have moved in and out of my life, I have accomplished goals I set out to achieve and moved absolutely no closer to others. I can't say it really bothers me, because Spring brings such a glorious amount of hope and excitement with it, it's hard to feel anything but happy.
Yogis are sun worshippers- they salute the sun during their practice, thanking it for all the goodness and light it brings to the earth. It isn't a hard concept to understand. Whether watching the sun rise and shoot its first rays out on the world in the early morning, or lifting my face towards its sweet light in the early afternoon, I am intensely grateful to live in a place where the sun is shining on new, green life.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Gray Skies and Gratitude
There are days- like today- when I literally have to take a time out to list the things I'm grateful for in order to stop the complaining dialogue in my head.
I am grateful to live in a place where I am able to run indoors when the weather is not conducive to outdoor running for weeks on end. Dull as a treadmill or indoor track may be, it is far better than a place where every building has been reduced to rubble and you can no longer tell which street corner was once yours.
I am grateful to have people in my life that I can go to when I need a hug at the end of a long day. There are days when the person I want to hug may be states away, and no amount of kissing through the phone can compare to the sweetness of fresh dog breath kisses in your face, but I'm pretty lucky to have a few people within a few blocks that I can always go to for some comforting contact.
I grateful to have a job. Period.
I am incredibly grateful to have a body that functions as well as it does, with my senses intact. Try as I may, I cannot imagine my life without the soundtracks I am constantly making up or manipulating through radio stations. Music is so powerful- is has pumped me up, calmed me down, inspired me, kept me focused, and made me smile so many times, I think it would take an incredibly medicine cabinet of prescriptions to handle all the things my itunes does for me. If I weren't able to see the familiar faces and the sweet smiles I do each day, I wonder if my life would be less rich. Not to be able to see those smudgy colors at first light or the sparkly light through the leaves in late afternoon or the amazing patterns in the clouds as the sun goes down saddens me, and I am so grateful I am able to see them now. (In theory, if there were leaves on the trees. Or sun. Anywhere.)
I have an amazing family. Fantastic friends. A steady paycheck. A really great dog...several states away. And a really comfy bed. What's a little bad weather?
I am grateful to live in a place where I am able to run indoors when the weather is not conducive to outdoor running for weeks on end. Dull as a treadmill or indoor track may be, it is far better than a place where every building has been reduced to rubble and you can no longer tell which street corner was once yours.
I am grateful to have people in my life that I can go to when I need a hug at the end of a long day. There are days when the person I want to hug may be states away, and no amount of kissing through the phone can compare to the sweetness of fresh dog breath kisses in your face, but I'm pretty lucky to have a few people within a few blocks that I can always go to for some comforting contact.
I grateful to have a job. Period.
I am incredibly grateful to have a body that functions as well as it does, with my senses intact. Try as I may, I cannot imagine my life without the soundtracks I am constantly making up or manipulating through radio stations. Music is so powerful- is has pumped me up, calmed me down, inspired me, kept me focused, and made me smile so many times, I think it would take an incredibly medicine cabinet of prescriptions to handle all the things my itunes does for me. If I weren't able to see the familiar faces and the sweet smiles I do each day, I wonder if my life would be less rich. Not to be able to see those smudgy colors at first light or the sparkly light through the leaves in late afternoon or the amazing patterns in the clouds as the sun goes down saddens me, and I am so grateful I am able to see them now. (In theory, if there were leaves on the trees. Or sun. Anywhere.)
I have an amazing family. Fantastic friends. A steady paycheck. A really great dog...several states away. And a really comfy bed. What's a little bad weather?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Running it out
There is something soothing in the challenge. There comes a point where it's all in sync: breathing in and out, pumping arms, the rhythm of feet hitting the ground.
I've never actually been through a 12-step program, but I feel like there are certain stages I experience on every long run. There's always a stretch of time (usually in the beginning, hopefully more than once) when I feel good. I feel strong, like this run will be no big deal. I'm loving the music in my ears, the strength I feel in my body, the pace I'm keeping. I am optimisitic and conditioned. I am a runner. Somewhere around this time, I usually find my grateful moment. Grateful to be in a position to appreciate the great outdoors, the joys of exercise, and the glory of calorie-burn. There is the tired point. My limbs feel heavy. I feel impossibly slow. I can't get the breath deep enough into my lungs to feel relief. There is a lost in my thoughts to the point I've forgotten what I'm doing stretch. I enjoy this part of the run because I'm usually surprised when I realize how far I've run without noticing (unless I'm doing laps, in which case I've completely lost count.) This is the time when I stop focusing on my body and go inside my head. A sort of exploration of the subconcious happens and I work through problems, wonder about things, and often get some anger out. Things I won't ever confront head on in life, I'm able to throw down on the ground and run over to some degree of satisfaction. There are surges of energy- sometimes tied to the next song on the playlist, sometimes directly related to who may be watching, sometimes a simple bargain struck: sprint to that corner and you can have a drink. There is the relief, usually at the end when I slow down and feel the heat in my face. Then, a few minutes later there is the pride. I did it. Let's do it again.
I may never run fast, I may never run pretty. I certainly hope that I always run, even if only for the brief therapy session it affords me.
I've never actually been through a 12-step program, but I feel like there are certain stages I experience on every long run. There's always a stretch of time (usually in the beginning, hopefully more than once) when I feel good. I feel strong, like this run will be no big deal. I'm loving the music in my ears, the strength I feel in my body, the pace I'm keeping. I am optimisitic and conditioned. I am a runner. Somewhere around this time, I usually find my grateful moment. Grateful to be in a position to appreciate the great outdoors, the joys of exercise, and the glory of calorie-burn. There is the tired point. My limbs feel heavy. I feel impossibly slow. I can't get the breath deep enough into my lungs to feel relief. There is a lost in my thoughts to the point I've forgotten what I'm doing stretch. I enjoy this part of the run because I'm usually surprised when I realize how far I've run without noticing (unless I'm doing laps, in which case I've completely lost count.) This is the time when I stop focusing on my body and go inside my head. A sort of exploration of the subconcious happens and I work through problems, wonder about things, and often get some anger out. Things I won't ever confront head on in life, I'm able to throw down on the ground and run over to some degree of satisfaction. There are surges of energy- sometimes tied to the next song on the playlist, sometimes directly related to who may be watching, sometimes a simple bargain struck: sprint to that corner and you can have a drink. There is the relief, usually at the end when I slow down and feel the heat in my face. Then, a few minutes later there is the pride. I did it. Let's do it again.
I may never run fast, I may never run pretty. I certainly hope that I always run, even if only for the brief therapy session it affords me.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Better People
"It has always seemed to him that after living another twenty-four hours, you ought to be a better person than you were when the day began."
This quote hit me between the eyes when I came across it in a book I was reading. I wrote it down. I underlined it and earmarked the page to be sure the next reader didn't miss such a wonderful sentiment. I don't know how many people start their day with the thought that when they crawl back into bed at night, they should be better. How well we all would sleep if we could turn the lights out knowing we had improved the quality of our selves by some increment each day.
What if we ended each day a better person than we started it?
In order to determine the steps to becoming a better person, one must inevitably examine their own "opportunities for growth", as our workplace evaluations like to refer to them ("flaws" is another term often used.)
I realize I spend a good deal of time musing, analyzing, planning, and far less time actually doing. I think if I were to jump in and start working on things, I might learn a bit in the process and be closer to achieving my goals than my current system of considering all possible options and finally going with one when I just can't think any longer.
I want to be more considerate. Every year, without fail, I resolve to stop cutting people off mid-sentence. It is so rude. I might as well say- "My thought is more important/interesting/relevant than yours." (I would defend myself by explaining my ditsy-self's tendency to forget thoughts not immediately verbalized, but there really is no good excuse for poor manners. My mother raised me better.) I think I will let the Golden Rule be my guide on this one, and simply make a more concentrated effort to do unto others as I would have done to me.
I want to be productive. I want to get out of the habit of making things routine. I make a pointed effort to streamline my days and make my weeks more predictable (read: comfortable), I create little routines for each day, each segment of my life. Working out, packing lunches, staff meetings, groceries. With so many routines, there aren't a lot of fresh experiences to be had. Each day comes with it's own set of experiences and challenges, but in general, I feel I almost fight adopting new things in my job. I want to be the kind of person who embraces change and is open to new things. By learning and trying new things constantly, I can only become a more-educated, well-balanced, open person. Right?
At the end of the day, I feel like my best self when I have done what someone needed me to do and I am spending time with the people I care most about. I can only see people as much as time and geography will allow, I can give my best effort at anything I try. If I can do that in all of my waking hours, I may be able to become a better version of myself.
This quote hit me between the eyes when I came across it in a book I was reading. I wrote it down. I underlined it and earmarked the page to be sure the next reader didn't miss such a wonderful sentiment. I don't know how many people start their day with the thought that when they crawl back into bed at night, they should be better. How well we all would sleep if we could turn the lights out knowing we had improved the quality of our selves by some increment each day.
What if we ended each day a better person than we started it?
In order to determine the steps to becoming a better person, one must inevitably examine their own "opportunities for growth", as our workplace evaluations like to refer to them ("flaws" is another term often used.)
I realize I spend a good deal of time musing, analyzing, planning, and far less time actually doing. I think if I were to jump in and start working on things, I might learn a bit in the process and be closer to achieving my goals than my current system of considering all possible options and finally going with one when I just can't think any longer.
I want to be more considerate. Every year, without fail, I resolve to stop cutting people off mid-sentence. It is so rude. I might as well say- "My thought is more important/interesting/relevant than yours." (I would defend myself by explaining my ditsy-self's tendency to forget thoughts not immediately verbalized, but there really is no good excuse for poor manners. My mother raised me better.) I think I will let the Golden Rule be my guide on this one, and simply make a more concentrated effort to do unto others as I would have done to me.
I want to be productive. I want to get out of the habit of making things routine. I make a pointed effort to streamline my days and make my weeks more predictable (read: comfortable), I create little routines for each day, each segment of my life. Working out, packing lunches, staff meetings, groceries. With so many routines, there aren't a lot of fresh experiences to be had. Each day comes with it's own set of experiences and challenges, but in general, I feel I almost fight adopting new things in my job. I want to be the kind of person who embraces change and is open to new things. By learning and trying new things constantly, I can only become a more-educated, well-balanced, open person. Right?
At the end of the day, I feel like my best self when I have done what someone needed me to do and I am spending time with the people I care most about. I can only see people as much as time and geography will allow, I can give my best effort at anything I try. If I can do that in all of my waking hours, I may be able to become a better version of myself.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Enjoying things
I keep wanting to call them addictions and I'm not sure why I keep coming back to it. Addiction just sounds so negative- I suupose it's something to do with the face that our world really seems to frown upon allowing anything other than your own free will influence your behavior. I guess they really aren't addictions, because addictions carry some level of guilt, and I'm not going to feel guilty about really really liking some of the simple- and not so simple- things that make daily life so pleasurable. Because isn't that the ultimate goal? Finding pleasure in every day? What better life goal than to enjoy it?
Some seem to be permanent parts of my personality, some a little more fleeting. I wonder if any of them mean anything at all. In no particular order...
-Beauty products, specifically shower-related ones
-Pizza Goldfish
-Facebook
-my Ipod and updating it
-Professional Bull Riding. Or not professional bull riding. Really, any situation where strong men are riding bulls. Or broncs.
-tea
-looking at pictures. Bonus if they are of my family, double bonus if they are of Kaija. I will look at wedding pictures regardless of if I know the person or not.
-Food Network
-Su Doku
-fun size candy bars
-clean sheets
-snuggle time
-reading in bed/on the couch/front porch
-mascara
-The Office
-Boondock Saints
-talking to new people
-listening to my grandfather's stories
-talking to anyone from my grandfather's generation
-smiles from anyone under the age of 6
-hugs from anyone of any age. Bonus points if that person is small enough for me to pick up. Double bonus points if they try to kiss me after the hug. Triple bonus points if they're in my family, small enough for me to pick up, and try to kiss me after the hug.
Some seem to be permanent parts of my personality, some a little more fleeting. I wonder if any of them mean anything at all. In no particular order...
-Beauty products, specifically shower-related ones
-Pizza Goldfish
-my Ipod and updating it
-Professional Bull Riding. Or not professional bull riding. Really, any situation where strong men are riding bulls. Or broncs.
-tea
-looking at pictures. Bonus if they are of my family, double bonus if they are of Kaija. I will look at wedding pictures regardless of if I know the person or not.
-Food Network
-Su Doku
-fun size candy bars
-clean sheets
-snuggle time
-reading in bed/on the couch/front porch
-mascara
-The Office
-Boondock Saints
-talking to new people
-listening to my grandfather's stories
-talking to anyone from my grandfather's generation
-smiles from anyone under the age of 6
-hugs from anyone of any age. Bonus points if that person is small enough for me to pick up. Double bonus points if they try to kiss me after the hug. Triple bonus points if they're in my family, small enough for me to pick up, and try to kiss me after the hug.
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