I swear I'm not a hippie...
Warm weather, sunshine. Flowering trees, blooming flowers. Leaving the house with no coat, wearing shoes without socks. Longer days. Evening walks. The promise of summer. Someone to enjoy a sunset with. Bright blue sky, fluffy white clouds, and little yellow flowers scattered around the apartment.
Spring reminds me how quickly time moves- Christmas really was a long time ago. It has been almost a full year since last Summer. Things that were once far off are happening in a matter of weeks. People have moved in and out of my life, I have accomplished goals I set out to achieve and moved absolutely no closer to others. I can't say it really bothers me, because Spring brings such a glorious amount of hope and excitement with it, it's hard to feel anything but happy.
Yogis are sun worshippers- they salute the sun during their practice, thanking it for all the goodness and light it brings to the earth. It isn't a hard concept to understand. Whether watching the sun rise and shoot its first rays out on the world in the early morning, or lifting my face towards its sweet light in the early afternoon, I am intensely grateful to live in a place where the sun is shining on new, green life.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Gray Skies and Gratitude
There are days- like today- when I literally have to take a time out to list the things I'm grateful for in order to stop the complaining dialogue in my head.
I am grateful to live in a place where I am able to run indoors when the weather is not conducive to outdoor running for weeks on end. Dull as a treadmill or indoor track may be, it is far better than a place where every building has been reduced to rubble and you can no longer tell which street corner was once yours.
I am grateful to have people in my life that I can go to when I need a hug at the end of a long day. There are days when the person I want to hug may be states away, and no amount of kissing through the phone can compare to the sweetness of fresh dog breath kisses in your face, but I'm pretty lucky to have a few people within a few blocks that I can always go to for some comforting contact.
I grateful to have a job. Period.
I am incredibly grateful to have a body that functions as well as it does, with my senses intact. Try as I may, I cannot imagine my life without the soundtracks I am constantly making up or manipulating through radio stations. Music is so powerful- is has pumped me up, calmed me down, inspired me, kept me focused, and made me smile so many times, I think it would take an incredibly medicine cabinet of prescriptions to handle all the things my itunes does for me. If I weren't able to see the familiar faces and the sweet smiles I do each day, I wonder if my life would be less rich. Not to be able to see those smudgy colors at first light or the sparkly light through the leaves in late afternoon or the amazing patterns in the clouds as the sun goes down saddens me, and I am so grateful I am able to see them now. (In theory, if there were leaves on the trees. Or sun. Anywhere.)
I have an amazing family. Fantastic friends. A steady paycheck. A really great dog...several states away. And a really comfy bed. What's a little bad weather?
I am grateful to live in a place where I am able to run indoors when the weather is not conducive to outdoor running for weeks on end. Dull as a treadmill or indoor track may be, it is far better than a place where every building has been reduced to rubble and you can no longer tell which street corner was once yours.
I am grateful to have people in my life that I can go to when I need a hug at the end of a long day. There are days when the person I want to hug may be states away, and no amount of kissing through the phone can compare to the sweetness of fresh dog breath kisses in your face, but I'm pretty lucky to have a few people within a few blocks that I can always go to for some comforting contact.
I grateful to have a job. Period.
I am incredibly grateful to have a body that functions as well as it does, with my senses intact. Try as I may, I cannot imagine my life without the soundtracks I am constantly making up or manipulating through radio stations. Music is so powerful- is has pumped me up, calmed me down, inspired me, kept me focused, and made me smile so many times, I think it would take an incredibly medicine cabinet of prescriptions to handle all the things my itunes does for me. If I weren't able to see the familiar faces and the sweet smiles I do each day, I wonder if my life would be less rich. Not to be able to see those smudgy colors at first light or the sparkly light through the leaves in late afternoon or the amazing patterns in the clouds as the sun goes down saddens me, and I am so grateful I am able to see them now. (In theory, if there were leaves on the trees. Or sun. Anywhere.)
I have an amazing family. Fantastic friends. A steady paycheck. A really great dog...several states away. And a really comfy bed. What's a little bad weather?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Running it out
There is something soothing in the challenge. There comes a point where it's all in sync: breathing in and out, pumping arms, the rhythm of feet hitting the ground.
I've never actually been through a 12-step program, but I feel like there are certain stages I experience on every long run. There's always a stretch of time (usually in the beginning, hopefully more than once) when I feel good. I feel strong, like this run will be no big deal. I'm loving the music in my ears, the strength I feel in my body, the pace I'm keeping. I am optimisitic and conditioned. I am a runner. Somewhere around this time, I usually find my grateful moment. Grateful to be in a position to appreciate the great outdoors, the joys of exercise, and the glory of calorie-burn. There is the tired point. My limbs feel heavy. I feel impossibly slow. I can't get the breath deep enough into my lungs to feel relief. There is a lost in my thoughts to the point I've forgotten what I'm doing stretch. I enjoy this part of the run because I'm usually surprised when I realize how far I've run without noticing (unless I'm doing laps, in which case I've completely lost count.) This is the time when I stop focusing on my body and go inside my head. A sort of exploration of the subconcious happens and I work through problems, wonder about things, and often get some anger out. Things I won't ever confront head on in life, I'm able to throw down on the ground and run over to some degree of satisfaction. There are surges of energy- sometimes tied to the next song on the playlist, sometimes directly related to who may be watching, sometimes a simple bargain struck: sprint to that corner and you can have a drink. There is the relief, usually at the end when I slow down and feel the heat in my face. Then, a few minutes later there is the pride. I did it. Let's do it again.
I may never run fast, I may never run pretty. I certainly hope that I always run, even if only for the brief therapy session it affords me.
I've never actually been through a 12-step program, but I feel like there are certain stages I experience on every long run. There's always a stretch of time (usually in the beginning, hopefully more than once) when I feel good. I feel strong, like this run will be no big deal. I'm loving the music in my ears, the strength I feel in my body, the pace I'm keeping. I am optimisitic and conditioned. I am a runner. Somewhere around this time, I usually find my grateful moment. Grateful to be in a position to appreciate the great outdoors, the joys of exercise, and the glory of calorie-burn. There is the tired point. My limbs feel heavy. I feel impossibly slow. I can't get the breath deep enough into my lungs to feel relief. There is a lost in my thoughts to the point I've forgotten what I'm doing stretch. I enjoy this part of the run because I'm usually surprised when I realize how far I've run without noticing (unless I'm doing laps, in which case I've completely lost count.) This is the time when I stop focusing on my body and go inside my head. A sort of exploration of the subconcious happens and I work through problems, wonder about things, and often get some anger out. Things I won't ever confront head on in life, I'm able to throw down on the ground and run over to some degree of satisfaction. There are surges of energy- sometimes tied to the next song on the playlist, sometimes directly related to who may be watching, sometimes a simple bargain struck: sprint to that corner and you can have a drink. There is the relief, usually at the end when I slow down and feel the heat in my face. Then, a few minutes later there is the pride. I did it. Let's do it again.
I may never run fast, I may never run pretty. I certainly hope that I always run, even if only for the brief therapy session it affords me.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Better People
"It has always seemed to him that after living another twenty-four hours, you ought to be a better person than you were when the day began."
This quote hit me between the eyes when I came across it in a book I was reading. I wrote it down. I underlined it and earmarked the page to be sure the next reader didn't miss such a wonderful sentiment. I don't know how many people start their day with the thought that when they crawl back into bed at night, they should be better. How well we all would sleep if we could turn the lights out knowing we had improved the quality of our selves by some increment each day.
What if we ended each day a better person than we started it?
In order to determine the steps to becoming a better person, one must inevitably examine their own "opportunities for growth", as our workplace evaluations like to refer to them ("flaws" is another term often used.)
I realize I spend a good deal of time musing, analyzing, planning, and far less time actually doing. I think if I were to jump in and start working on things, I might learn a bit in the process and be closer to achieving my goals than my current system of considering all possible options and finally going with one when I just can't think any longer.
I want to be more considerate. Every year, without fail, I resolve to stop cutting people off mid-sentence. It is so rude. I might as well say- "My thought is more important/interesting/relevant than yours." (I would defend myself by explaining my ditsy-self's tendency to forget thoughts not immediately verbalized, but there really is no good excuse for poor manners. My mother raised me better.) I think I will let the Golden Rule be my guide on this one, and simply make a more concentrated effort to do unto others as I would have done to me.
I want to be productive. I want to get out of the habit of making things routine. I make a pointed effort to streamline my days and make my weeks more predictable (read: comfortable), I create little routines for each day, each segment of my life. Working out, packing lunches, staff meetings, groceries. With so many routines, there aren't a lot of fresh experiences to be had. Each day comes with it's own set of experiences and challenges, but in general, I feel I almost fight adopting new things in my job. I want to be the kind of person who embraces change and is open to new things. By learning and trying new things constantly, I can only become a more-educated, well-balanced, open person. Right?
At the end of the day, I feel like my best self when I have done what someone needed me to do and I am spending time with the people I care most about. I can only see people as much as time and geography will allow, I can give my best effort at anything I try. If I can do that in all of my waking hours, I may be able to become a better version of myself.
This quote hit me between the eyes when I came across it in a book I was reading. I wrote it down. I underlined it and earmarked the page to be sure the next reader didn't miss such a wonderful sentiment. I don't know how many people start their day with the thought that when they crawl back into bed at night, they should be better. How well we all would sleep if we could turn the lights out knowing we had improved the quality of our selves by some increment each day.
What if we ended each day a better person than we started it?
In order to determine the steps to becoming a better person, one must inevitably examine their own "opportunities for growth", as our workplace evaluations like to refer to them ("flaws" is another term often used.)
I realize I spend a good deal of time musing, analyzing, planning, and far less time actually doing. I think if I were to jump in and start working on things, I might learn a bit in the process and be closer to achieving my goals than my current system of considering all possible options and finally going with one when I just can't think any longer.
I want to be more considerate. Every year, without fail, I resolve to stop cutting people off mid-sentence. It is so rude. I might as well say- "My thought is more important/interesting/relevant than yours." (I would defend myself by explaining my ditsy-self's tendency to forget thoughts not immediately verbalized, but there really is no good excuse for poor manners. My mother raised me better.) I think I will let the Golden Rule be my guide on this one, and simply make a more concentrated effort to do unto others as I would have done to me.
I want to be productive. I want to get out of the habit of making things routine. I make a pointed effort to streamline my days and make my weeks more predictable (read: comfortable), I create little routines for each day, each segment of my life. Working out, packing lunches, staff meetings, groceries. With so many routines, there aren't a lot of fresh experiences to be had. Each day comes with it's own set of experiences and challenges, but in general, I feel I almost fight adopting new things in my job. I want to be the kind of person who embraces change and is open to new things. By learning and trying new things constantly, I can only become a more-educated, well-balanced, open person. Right?
At the end of the day, I feel like my best self when I have done what someone needed me to do and I am spending time with the people I care most about. I can only see people as much as time and geography will allow, I can give my best effort at anything I try. If I can do that in all of my waking hours, I may be able to become a better version of myself.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Enjoying things
I keep wanting to call them addictions and I'm not sure why I keep coming back to it. Addiction just sounds so negative- I suupose it's something to do with the face that our world really seems to frown upon allowing anything other than your own free will influence your behavior. I guess they really aren't addictions, because addictions carry some level of guilt, and I'm not going to feel guilty about really really liking some of the simple- and not so simple- things that make daily life so pleasurable. Because isn't that the ultimate goal? Finding pleasure in every day? What better life goal than to enjoy it?
Some seem to be permanent parts of my personality, some a little more fleeting. I wonder if any of them mean anything at all. In no particular order...
-Beauty products, specifically shower-related ones
-Pizza Goldfish
-Facebook
-my Ipod and updating it
-Professional Bull Riding. Or not professional bull riding. Really, any situation where strong men are riding bulls. Or broncs.
-tea
-looking at pictures. Bonus if they are of my family, double bonus if they are of Kaija. I will look at wedding pictures regardless of if I know the person or not.
-Food Network
-Su Doku
-fun size candy bars
-clean sheets
-snuggle time
-reading in bed/on the couch/front porch
-mascara
-The Office
-Boondock Saints
-talking to new people
-listening to my grandfather's stories
-talking to anyone from my grandfather's generation
-smiles from anyone under the age of 6
-hugs from anyone of any age. Bonus points if that person is small enough for me to pick up. Double bonus points if they try to kiss me after the hug. Triple bonus points if they're in my family, small enough for me to pick up, and try to kiss me after the hug.
Some seem to be permanent parts of my personality, some a little more fleeting. I wonder if any of them mean anything at all. In no particular order...
-Beauty products, specifically shower-related ones
-Pizza Goldfish
-my Ipod and updating it
-Professional Bull Riding. Or not professional bull riding. Really, any situation where strong men are riding bulls. Or broncs.
-tea
-looking at pictures. Bonus if they are of my family, double bonus if they are of Kaija. I will look at wedding pictures regardless of if I know the person or not.
-Food Network
-Su Doku
-fun size candy bars
-clean sheets
-snuggle time
-reading in bed/on the couch/front porch
-mascara
-The Office
-Boondock Saints
-talking to new people
-listening to my grandfather's stories
-talking to anyone from my grandfather's generation
-smiles from anyone under the age of 6
-hugs from anyone of any age. Bonus points if that person is small enough for me to pick up. Double bonus points if they try to kiss me after the hug. Triple bonus points if they're in my family, small enough for me to pick up, and try to kiss me after the hug.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Clicking in circles
How's this for a habit?
Log on. Gmail. Training update? Got it. Check that blog. She grows so fast. Is it July yet?
Facebook. Click names, click pictures.
Craiglist. Too much. Too scummy. No laundry? Bad area. One person? Two people? Who knows. Time is running out make a decision now. This one could work, too late it's gone.
Alarm clock, fall asleep. Up again. Must. Go. Running. Shoes on, playlist- check.
Shower, tea, drive, work. Sigh.
Hey I missed you! Small talk, grow so fast, weather, plans. Sing, play, laugh, hooray!
Work work. Forgot something? Panic! Hi, good to see you! New haircut? Sing, flip, laugh, play.
Where is she? Just deal with it. Phone calls, diet coke!
Everyone's busy, no time for pity.
You can talk to us when you have something nice to say. No one likes a frown clown.
Something needs to change I think it's me. Where to start? Not too sure. Frustrated? Heck yes I am.
Log on. Gmail. Training update? Got it. Check that blog. She grows so fast. Is it July yet?
Facebook. Click names, click pictures.
Craiglist. Too much. Too scummy. No laundry? Bad area. One person? Two people? Who knows. Time is running out make a decision now. This one could work, too late it's gone.
Alarm clock, fall asleep. Up again. Must. Go. Running. Shoes on, playlist- check.
Shower, tea, drive, work. Sigh.
Hey I missed you! Small talk, grow so fast, weather, plans. Sing, play, laugh, hooray!
Work work. Forgot something? Panic! Hi, good to see you! New haircut? Sing, flip, laugh, play.
Where is she? Just deal with it. Phone calls, diet coke!
Everyone's busy, no time for pity.
You can talk to us when you have something nice to say. No one likes a frown clown.
Something needs to change I think it's me. Where to start? Not too sure. Frustrated? Heck yes I am.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Absolutely no question
With lots of major changes happening in my life and all around me, I find myself grateful for the absolutes in my life. Those things that I'm pretty sure, no matter how topsy turvy things get, will remain unshake-ably certain.
For example, it does not matter how many times I "clean out" my treasures, how many times I discard the mementos and talismans and crap of my childhood. There will always be more. I will always keep birthday, Christmas, and Thank You cards in a box under my bed. I will save every wedding invitation I ever receive. (I mean the time and money that goes into those thing...) Somewhere, some time in my life, that person, that card, that thought meant something to me. I could be cynical and say that I hold on to these reminders in fear that I will never feel those things again. But I'd rather take the view that my overly sentimental self has such a deep appreciation for these things that it feels callous to simply toss them in the trash within 2-5 years of the date received.
I will always have days where I long for my mother and my family the way you long for perfect sunny 72 degree May when cold bleary February has you pulling on that winter coat as you wait for your car to warm up again.
I will always enjoy the crunchy satisfaction of pocorn, cold red grapes, and miniature chocolate chip cookies. It will most likely always be a problem too.
I will always have moments where I would rather be in Colorado, serving lunch, making beds, or watering flowers on the ranch than anywhere else in the world. It will always serve as my happy place when I need a mental escape to remind myself that there was a time in my life when I went somewhere brand new, totally fun, and loved every minute of my day.
Of course there have been some "pretty absolutes" in my life up to this point, that I wouldn't mind changing over time. I have never liked being alone at night. I don't need someone in bed with me, I just need to know that someone else is in the house. Preferably someone human. I do not like being alone in a house/apartment/condo alone at night. Still.
For example, it does not matter how many times I "clean out" my treasures, how many times I discard the mementos and talismans and crap of my childhood. There will always be more. I will always keep birthday, Christmas, and Thank You cards in a box under my bed. I will save every wedding invitation I ever receive. (I mean the time and money that goes into those thing...) Somewhere, some time in my life, that person, that card, that thought meant something to me. I could be cynical and say that I hold on to these reminders in fear that I will never feel those things again. But I'd rather take the view that my overly sentimental self has such a deep appreciation for these things that it feels callous to simply toss them in the trash within 2-5 years of the date received.
I will always have days where I long for my mother and my family the way you long for perfect sunny 72 degree May when cold bleary February has you pulling on that winter coat as you wait for your car to warm up again.
I will always enjoy the crunchy satisfaction of pocorn, cold red grapes, and miniature chocolate chip cookies. It will most likely always be a problem too.
I will always have moments where I would rather be in Colorado, serving lunch, making beds, or watering flowers on the ranch than anywhere else in the world. It will always serve as my happy place when I need a mental escape to remind myself that there was a time in my life when I went somewhere brand new, totally fun, and loved every minute of my day.
Of course there have been some "pretty absolutes" in my life up to this point, that I wouldn't mind changing over time. I have never liked being alone at night. I don't need someone in bed with me, I just need to know that someone else is in the house. Preferably someone human. I do not like being alone in a house/apartment/condo alone at night. Still.
It would be great to not absolutely always come up with seven "trivial but much more interesting things to do" before I ever get to my actual "to do" list.
I'd say it be great to not absolutely have to work, but that is a whole other animal.
I guess all we can do is be grateful for and try to hold on to the abosolutely good things in our lives. Let the ones that matter know how much you care. Take a minute to smile and say thank you for a sunny beautiful day. Or rainy day, if it's what you enjoy.
Then, once we've appreciated the good things, we do our absolute best to improve the other aspects of our lives. It may take prayer, it may take years, it may take a lot of popcorn. But I'm thinking, that pretty much anything is abosolutely possible.
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